Our dreams have crumbled before our eyes....

We're not adopting anytime soon.   After the potential situation a week ago Friday, we have done a lot of soul searching.  We just can't move forward until we have ALL of the money available.  It is just too hard to turn down a baby because we can't pay the fees.

We've checked into borrowing.  It's not gonna happen.  We can max out our credit cards, take a personal loan, and spend everything in savings.  It still won't be enough, especially when you consider the 6 weeks I'll have to take UNPAID from work.

The only way we can do this is to put everything on hold for now and wait until we save up enough money.  Paying for it as we go, as we have been, just isn't working.  We pay the entrance fee now, and then what?  Turn down every potential match for the next year while we wait to earn enough for the next fee?  I can't put myself through that.

It will take at least 2 years to get enough money.  I don't know if I can wait two years, and then start over.  By the time we start over, go through the process, and get a baby Kaylee will be  around 9  and Kera will be 7/8.  Can I really start over with a newborn then?  Even if I can, is it fair to the child?  How hard would it be to be the only adopted child in a family, potentially be of a different race, AND to be 8 years younger than your siblings?  Would the child ever feel like he/she fits into our family?

So, now I am crushed and completely lost.  I don't know what to do with myself.   I feel like an idiot.  We realized when we got into this that it is expensive (hence the second job) and we knew that it would be hard.  what we didn't anticipate is that our fund raising efforts really did very little, cutting back our household expenses just got taken right back out by lack of raises at work and rising daycare fees, and banks have severely dropped the amount they are willing to lend in personal loans because of the economy. 

I'm trying to look on the bright side, really.  We're going to get ourselves out of debt completely since Eric already has the second job.  We have 2 beautiful girls.  They can have their own rooms again.  We'll be done with daycare in a few more years.  We have a 1:1 child to parent ratio, which is easier.

But I can't seem to shake the feeling like I've been punched really hard in the chest.