So yesterday's mini pity party is over. Nothing has really changed, except the girls let me sleep in until 8 this morning! Wahoo! I can't even remember the last time I slept in that late. It was very nice, and much needed.
I feel like I should clarify a couple of things from yesterday. First, I realize that we are pursuing this option by choice. No one is forcing us to embark on this emotional roller coaster and to devote the majority of our energy and finances to adding to our family. We have struggled with this decision for a long time, and wavered back and forth. We both strongly feel that this is what God has called us to do. So there's really no turning back.
Second, Eric's 2nd job isn't bad. It's actually a pretty good place to work, and he's not taking it too seriously and he's enjoying it. It's the time management part that gets us. I have never been stretched so thin, and it is taking some serious adjustment.
Okay, so now that that's out of the way, on to other items. Today was an absolutely gorgeous day. I didn't clean the house and I didn't prepare for the garage sale, both things that desperately needed to be done. Instead I played with the girls, polished our nails, and watched Cars. again. Kaylee loves that movie.
I did manage to get the shopping done and the bulk of the laundry done plus I worked on the profile books during nap time. So it was a slightly productive day. Really, it was a good balance of work and play. I wish every day could be this way.
I'm fighting the urge to start buying baby things. We so don't have the money. But I wish I could somehow make this adoption feel real. Kaylee and Kera will sometimes randomly ask me when the baby will get here. I just tell them the truth - that I have no idea. They seem to be okay with that answer for now. Kaylee remarked today, "God must be having a hard time finding a lady who doesn't want her baby." Wow. From a 5 year old. It's either black or white at that age. It's very interesting to watch her develop her understanding of the adoption process.
Kera gets it in her own 4 year old way too. She mostly thinks we're getting more than one. It's either that, or she's talking about when she has a baby one day LOL. She wants a girl and wants to name her Emma. Not sure if that's my baby or her baby though. ;o) She is very excited, but I think it will be hard on her to not be the baby anymore. She is such a spoiled little girl right now!
So for now I'm not buying baby things. We didn't buy any baby things when we were trying to get pregnant with Kaylee and Kera and for me, it feels like that it about equivalent to where we are now. Maybe my feelings will change once we get further into the process and get a match. But for now, it will have to stay abstract. That's the best I can manage for now.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
A change in perspective
Today has been a day of reflection. This occurred for several reasons. I had the day off from work today for Good Friday so my brain had time to slow down. Kera had a second set of tubes placed, so there was a lot of cuddling on the sofa this afternoon, which I completely and thoroughly enjoyed. I also spent a lot of time working on the profile books, which lends plenty of time while cutting, gluing, etc. for my mind to wander.
Reading back to the first posts in the blog, it all seems so superficial and shallow. I don't know who I'm writing to, but it seems like I'm writing to some audience that I do not want to let in or offend. I'm going to try to change that. My goal is to honestly reflect how I'm feeling through this adoption process, and life in general being a busy working mom. Part of the reason I haven't gotten this to come across in my blog so far is just a simple lack of time; by the time I get home from work, get the kids fed, bathed, homework done, and put to bed, then prepare everything for the next day I'm just completely....exhausted.
I don't have time to breathe, let alone manage a blog post. But I need something. Anything to not feel so alone right now. I have such a mixed bag of emotions lately regarding the adoption, work, Eric's work, the kids....it's just so much. And I feel like no one understands, because a lot of people just can't understand why we're adopting a baby. It's like just because we already have 2 biological children it should be good enough. "They", whoever "they" are, are probably right. I feel so selfish. I am incredibly blessed in my life. Kaylee is a wonderful brilliant child and Kera's birth is nothing short of a miracle. Believe me, I have tried for the last 4 years to pretend that it's enough. But I still feel compelled to adopt. I can't really explain why; it's God's still voice in my heart. For some reason that I don't fully understand, this is the path that we're supposed to be on right now. Eric and I have talked and prayed about this a lot, and he feels the same way.
Since I am being perfectly honest tonight, let me just say this: Eric's working 2 jobs sucks. It's hard. He goes days without seeing the girls, he's exhausted, I'm exhausted and we STILL don't have enough money to move forward yet. Granted it's only been a few weeks and the pay hasn't fully started coming in from the second job, but that thought is of little comfort to me tonight. I just feel spread so thin right now. I'm working 45-50 hours a week, taking care of the girls, taking care of the house, trying to work on the profile books, and I need to get ready for our garage sale.
We are literally doing the very best we can, we're working as hard as physically possible and it is hard. If our home study report was completed today we still wouldn't have enough money to pay the activation fee. Not to mention the attorney fees, birth mother expenses, agency fees, etc. etc. etc.
At the same time, I worry that it's unfair to Kaylee and Kera. We can't get them a swing set for another year or more and we can't take a vacation to Disney World because all of our efforts and our finances are being dedicated to this adoption. I know that those are just material things are they're not important in the grand scheme, but that doesn't make me second guess myself any less.
On that positive note, I'm going to call it a night. It's been a long, emotional day and my brain needs to shut down for a while.
Reading back to the first posts in the blog, it all seems so superficial and shallow. I don't know who I'm writing to, but it seems like I'm writing to some audience that I do not want to let in or offend. I'm going to try to change that. My goal is to honestly reflect how I'm feeling through this adoption process, and life in general being a busy working mom. Part of the reason I haven't gotten this to come across in my blog so far is just a simple lack of time; by the time I get home from work, get the kids fed, bathed, homework done, and put to bed, then prepare everything for the next day I'm just completely....exhausted.
I don't have time to breathe, let alone manage a blog post. But I need something. Anything to not feel so alone right now. I have such a mixed bag of emotions lately regarding the adoption, work, Eric's work, the kids....it's just so much. And I feel like no one understands, because a lot of people just can't understand why we're adopting a baby. It's like just because we already have 2 biological children it should be good enough. "They", whoever "they" are, are probably right. I feel so selfish. I am incredibly blessed in my life. Kaylee is a wonderful brilliant child and Kera's birth is nothing short of a miracle. Believe me, I have tried for the last 4 years to pretend that it's enough. But I still feel compelled to adopt. I can't really explain why; it's God's still voice in my heart. For some reason that I don't fully understand, this is the path that we're supposed to be on right now. Eric and I have talked and prayed about this a lot, and he feels the same way.
Since I am being perfectly honest tonight, let me just say this: Eric's working 2 jobs sucks. It's hard. He goes days without seeing the girls, he's exhausted, I'm exhausted and we STILL don't have enough money to move forward yet. Granted it's only been a few weeks and the pay hasn't fully started coming in from the second job, but that thought is of little comfort to me tonight. I just feel spread so thin right now. I'm working 45-50 hours a week, taking care of the girls, taking care of the house, trying to work on the profile books, and I need to get ready for our garage sale.
We are literally doing the very best we can, we're working as hard as physically possible and it is hard. If our home study report was completed today we still wouldn't have enough money to pay the activation fee. Not to mention the attorney fees, birth mother expenses, agency fees, etc. etc. etc.
At the same time, I worry that it's unfair to Kaylee and Kera. We can't get them a swing set for another year or more and we can't take a vacation to Disney World because all of our efforts and our finances are being dedicated to this adoption. I know that those are just material things are they're not important in the grand scheme, but that doesn't make me second guess myself any less.
On that positive note, I'm going to call it a night. It's been a long, emotional day and my brain needs to shut down for a while.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Just Another Manic Monday
Why are Mondays always so hard? Today was no exception. I was out sick on Friday so I started off the day Way, way behind at work. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I have a week's worth of stuff that needs to be done, like yesterday. And to top it off I'm now at NEGATIVE 20 sick hours, and I'm really scared for my job. I just can't keep up. It seems like no one else in my department has to deal with what I do - 2 working parents and young children. It's just so hard.
*If* I were to lose my job, it may be a blessing in disguise for family time, but it would be a disaster for our adoption plans. I'm trying not to dwell on it, because I really am doing the best job that I can, but I am worried.
In other news, Kera gets to have surgery again. She needs another set of tubes put in her ears. It's just a minor procedure, really, but of course I'm worried. I'm mom, that's my job. I know that she'll be able to hear better and won't get ear infections. I know keeping her well keeps her appetite up and helps her gain weight. But I still worry. When I look at her I still see my tiny little fragile baby.
I scheduled the surgery for April 2nd since I already have the day off of work. That means I'll have to post pone the garage sale. I'm bummed because now we'll potentially have to wait even longer to pay our program entrance fee but what else can we do? Eric's already working 2 jobs, I'm working as hard as I can, we're cutting expenses where we can....we are already planning on taking out a loan for the match/placement fees, but we need to pay cash for the entrance fee, birth mother expenses, and legal fees.
To put the icing on my Monday cake, Kera busted her lip open at her dance lesson tonight. She was running around with her friends playing tag before class started and one of the big girls knocked her over. Not a major deal, but seeing her bleeding and crying made me sad. She's fine; it's nothing a popsicle wouldn't fix, but again, mom's job is to worry. I'm beginning to see a theme here.
As if all of this excitement isn't enough, we're adding a third child to the mix! Then things will really start to get interesting....
*If* I were to lose my job, it may be a blessing in disguise for family time, but it would be a disaster for our adoption plans. I'm trying not to dwell on it, because I really am doing the best job that I can, but I am worried.
In other news, Kera gets to have surgery again. She needs another set of tubes put in her ears. It's just a minor procedure, really, but of course I'm worried. I'm mom, that's my job. I know that she'll be able to hear better and won't get ear infections. I know keeping her well keeps her appetite up and helps her gain weight. But I still worry. When I look at her I still see my tiny little fragile baby.
I scheduled the surgery for April 2nd since I already have the day off of work. That means I'll have to post pone the garage sale. I'm bummed because now we'll potentially have to wait even longer to pay our program entrance fee but what else can we do? Eric's already working 2 jobs, I'm working as hard as I can, we're cutting expenses where we can....we are already planning on taking out a loan for the match/placement fees, but we need to pay cash for the entrance fee, birth mother expenses, and legal fees.
To put the icing on my Monday cake, Kera busted her lip open at her dance lesson tonight. She was running around with her friends playing tag before class started and one of the big girls knocked her over. Not a major deal, but seeing her bleeding and crying made me sad. She's fine; it's nothing a popsicle wouldn't fix, but again, mom's job is to worry. I'm beginning to see a theme here.
As if all of this excitement isn't enough, we're adding a third child to the mix! Then things will really start to get interesting....
Friday, March 19, 2010
Not much news to report. We got our fingerprints done today. I felt a little like a criminal! It's one more step complete, though. All we have left is to finish the profile books, wait for our home study report, and come up with the program entrance fee and we'll be OFFICIALLY waiting to adopt. We're still short. I'm hoping our garage sale in a couple of weeks will help out.
Eric's second job is going alright, I suppose. He's doing a pretty good job at it. The only hard part is the time factor. It's impacting all of us. Definitely not easy, but worth it. Unfortunately, it's not going to be enough. We'll likely end up taking out a loan for part of it. We could use prayers that everything works out okay.
Eric's second job is going alright, I suppose. He's doing a pretty good job at it. The only hard part is the time factor. It's impacting all of us. Definitely not easy, but worth it. Unfortunately, it's not going to be enough. We'll likely end up taking out a loan for part of it. We could use prayers that everything works out okay.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Another step complete!
Today we had our final in-home meeting for the home assessment. It went well, and now all we have to do is get our fingerprints, wait for our social worker to write the reports, and finish our profile books and we'll be officially waiting to adopt! Oh, and find some way to come up with the money that we need. We still don't have quite enough, but we'll get there.
It's getting kind of exciting to think that we could be close to becoming parents again. I've been thinking a lot lately about what we'll do when we get a match. Will we tell everyone, or keep it a secret? What will we tell the girls? Will we get the nursery ready or wait, afraid that the birthmother might change her mind? I don't think we'll really know the answers to these questions until we are matched and see how it feels. That's not really stopping me from obsessing about it though.
I also need to start looking for an adoption attorney. That's something I am waiting for next week to even think about because I am just too overwhelmed right now. Work is crazy busy, Eric's just getting started with his second job, the kids still have dance until May, and I'm just a little over stressed. It's weird though, because usually stress makes me feel sad, but this time it just makes me tired - I'm very happy right now and I feel confident that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I suppose that's because I have more faith in God now than I ever have had at any previous point in my life. It's a very good feeling.
It's getting kind of exciting to think that we could be close to becoming parents again. I've been thinking a lot lately about what we'll do when we get a match. Will we tell everyone, or keep it a secret? What will we tell the girls? Will we get the nursery ready or wait, afraid that the birthmother might change her mind? I don't think we'll really know the answers to these questions until we are matched and see how it feels. That's not really stopping me from obsessing about it though.
I also need to start looking for an adoption attorney. That's something I am waiting for next week to even think about because I am just too overwhelmed right now. Work is crazy busy, Eric's just getting started with his second job, the kids still have dance until May, and I'm just a little over stressed. It's weird though, because usually stress makes me feel sad, but this time it just makes me tired - I'm very happy right now and I feel confident that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I suppose that's because I have more faith in God now than I ever have had at any previous point in my life. It's a very good feeling.
Monday, March 8, 2010
It's the End of the World as We Know It....
That's the song that's been stuck in my head for the last week. I have no idea why. I was a huge R.E.M. fan way back when, so maybe that's why. Or maybe it's my subconscious telling me that my life is changing. Could be that too, I suppose.
Tonight was Eric's first night at the second job, but he only stayed for an hour. It was orientation and paperwork, and for some reason the room he needed to be in was going to be occupied for a while and they told him to go home and come back Wednesday. So, day one was a success, if you can call it that. I handled it fairly well. I managed to cook dinner, help the kids with their homework (yes, preschoolers get homework too!), do dishes, make lunches, lay out clothes, and shower the kids. Eric came home in the middle of all that, but he was having a late dinner and I wanted to do it all anyway to see how it's going to be. I'm tired!
We have another little snafu in our plans to be a three-income household. Today I found out that I may have to go to Houston for work next week. Nothing is definite yet, but now that my boss knows about my having to leave by 5:15 every night (official work hours are only until 4:45 but no one usually leaves until at least 5:30 or 6) I am afraid to say no, because it will come back to haunt me. I hope if I do end up having to go, I can go down for a day only and not have to stay the night. That would be a long day though, but better than the alternative. I'm trying not to stress about it too much though, because it's in God's hands. I am only one person and can only do what I can do, but God can do anything and will guide me to the right path.
On the adoption front, we are now well into the home assessment. It should be finished in a couple more weeks. The only hold up right now are the fingerprints that Eric and I just haven't had time to go get yet, and the written report which the social worker will do. That will take an extra week with Spring break coming up, but I'm okay with that since we don't have enough money to pay the activation fee anyway.
On the kid front, we're doing well. Kera went for her 4 year old checkup today and is 0% for weight and 2% for height. But hey, at least she's on the chart! She used to be wayyyyy below the chart. She had to get shots, so her legs were too sore to go to dance tonight. Poor baby. She could barely get up and down from her dinner chair tonight. I sure hope she feels better tomorrow!
Kaylee is just about ready for kindergarten now. We got her health assessment filled out, so that just needs to be turned in. She already had her 5 year old checkup so the doctor just signed the form. Luckily we did all of the vaccinations early, at our pediatrician's suggestion, so she doesn't have to go through that particular kindergarten milestone. The lottery for all day kindergarten is in a little over 2 weeks, so I am praying that she gets in. I know it's not the end of the world if she doesn't. It's something about my children's educations that makes me a little crazy. I get really competitive and obsessive. There's a rumor going around that due to budget cuts, the school district is considering 4 day school weeks. If that happens, I will seriously consider putting my kids in private school. There's just no way I would stand for that! We bought our house in this school district specifically because it's supposed to be one of the best in the state.
Anyway, one sign of fatigue is rambling, so I think that's my cue that it's bedtime.
Tonight was Eric's first night at the second job, but he only stayed for an hour. It was orientation and paperwork, and for some reason the room he needed to be in was going to be occupied for a while and they told him to go home and come back Wednesday. So, day one was a success, if you can call it that. I handled it fairly well. I managed to cook dinner, help the kids with their homework (yes, preschoolers get homework too!), do dishes, make lunches, lay out clothes, and shower the kids. Eric came home in the middle of all that, but he was having a late dinner and I wanted to do it all anyway to see how it's going to be. I'm tired!
We have another little snafu in our plans to be a three-income household. Today I found out that I may have to go to Houston for work next week. Nothing is definite yet, but now that my boss knows about my having to leave by 5:15 every night (official work hours are only until 4:45 but no one usually leaves until at least 5:30 or 6) I am afraid to say no, because it will come back to haunt me. I hope if I do end up having to go, I can go down for a day only and not have to stay the night. That would be a long day though, but better than the alternative. I'm trying not to stress about it too much though, because it's in God's hands. I am only one person and can only do what I can do, but God can do anything and will guide me to the right path.
On the adoption front, we are now well into the home assessment. It should be finished in a couple more weeks. The only hold up right now are the fingerprints that Eric and I just haven't had time to go get yet, and the written report which the social worker will do. That will take an extra week with Spring break coming up, but I'm okay with that since we don't have enough money to pay the activation fee anyway.
On the kid front, we're doing well. Kera went for her 4 year old checkup today and is 0% for weight and 2% for height. But hey, at least she's on the chart! She used to be wayyyyy below the chart. She had to get shots, so her legs were too sore to go to dance tonight. Poor baby. She could barely get up and down from her dinner chair tonight. I sure hope she feels better tomorrow!
Kaylee is just about ready for kindergarten now. We got her health assessment filled out, so that just needs to be turned in. She already had her 5 year old checkup so the doctor just signed the form. Luckily we did all of the vaccinations early, at our pediatrician's suggestion, so she doesn't have to go through that particular kindergarten milestone. The lottery for all day kindergarten is in a little over 2 weeks, so I am praying that she gets in. I know it's not the end of the world if she doesn't. It's something about my children's educations that makes me a little crazy. I get really competitive and obsessive. There's a rumor going around that due to budget cuts, the school district is considering 4 day school weeks. If that happens, I will seriously consider putting my kids in private school. There's just no way I would stand for that! We bought our house in this school district specifically because it's supposed to be one of the best in the state.
Anyway, one sign of fatigue is rambling, so I think that's my cue that it's bedtime.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Whirlwind
It's been a whirlwind around here lately. Our home study starts on Thursday! I should be cleaning the house obsessively, but instead I'm curled up on the sofa making a blog post. I will probably start freaking out about cleaning the house tomorrow, when there's not really enough time to do anything about it.
On some level, I know that how clean the house is doesn't really matter. It's a "home" study but it's really an in depth study of our family. There will be some basic home inspecting things, but mostly it's about mine and Eric's backgrounds, how we were raised, our parenting philosophies, etc. I feel very insecure that some little thing will somehow prevent us from adopting a baby. I know this isn't a reasonable fear; we have nothing to hide and will surely be approved.
We set the date for our garage sale, tentatively pending weather of course. We're planning for Friday and Saturday April 2 and 3. This is Good Friday and the day after. I hope it turns out well because I've never held a garage sale before. I have no idea how to price things or how much change I should have on hand, or even how to organize stuff so that it's easy for people to dig through.
Eric had the interview for the second job and got offered the job on the spot! Yay! He'll now be selling cars part time at Car Max. I know it's going to be hard for all of us for him to do this, but the plan is for all of the extra income to go into the adoption budget. I am so proud of him. He is such a hard worker and there is nothing he wouldn't do for his family.
We also enrolled Kaylee for Kindergarten today. She's so excited. I turned in an application for her to get all day kindergarten, which we have to pay for, but I really think it would benefit her. It's decided on a lottery system, so I really hope that we get picked.
All of this whirlwind lately! And we're just hurrying up to wait. Wait to find out if Kaylee gets all day Kindergarten, wait for school to start for her. Then there is the wait for a match. I'm sure with all of the other things we're doing the wait will go by sooner than we think!
On some level, I know that how clean the house is doesn't really matter. It's a "home" study but it's really an in depth study of our family. There will be some basic home inspecting things, but mostly it's about mine and Eric's backgrounds, how we were raised, our parenting philosophies, etc. I feel very insecure that some little thing will somehow prevent us from adopting a baby. I know this isn't a reasonable fear; we have nothing to hide and will surely be approved.
We set the date for our garage sale, tentatively pending weather of course. We're planning for Friday and Saturday April 2 and 3. This is Good Friday and the day after. I hope it turns out well because I've never held a garage sale before. I have no idea how to price things or how much change I should have on hand, or even how to organize stuff so that it's easy for people to dig through.
Eric had the interview for the second job and got offered the job on the spot! Yay! He'll now be selling cars part time at Car Max. I know it's going to be hard for all of us for him to do this, but the plan is for all of the extra income to go into the adoption budget. I am so proud of him. He is such a hard worker and there is nothing he wouldn't do for his family.
We also enrolled Kaylee for Kindergarten today. She's so excited. I turned in an application for her to get all day kindergarten, which we have to pay for, but I really think it would benefit her. It's decided on a lottery system, so I really hope that we get picked.
All of this whirlwind lately! And we're just hurrying up to wait. Wait to find out if Kaylee gets all day Kindergarten, wait for school to start for her. Then there is the wait for a match. I'm sure with all of the other things we're doing the wait will go by sooner than we think!
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