I think today was one of the toughest days we've had in this whole adoption process. This afternoon I got an e-mail from our social worker (who is awesome, by the way) about a "potential situation". That's what they call it when there is a birth mother about to view profiles and yours could be one they show her, if you choose to be shown. Since we haven't even officially joined the program, this was out of courtesy to us.
My first reaction was, "Wow, that was fast." then it was, "Wait a minute, we're not ready!" I spent a few minutes reading the details, then called Eric to get his opinion. We really wanted to be shown, but we had some serious concerns, the main one being money. Basically, if we were to be matched with this situation, we would need to come up with five figures by MONDAY. yeah. *SO* not happening. So we passed.
It all happened so fast, but it was a gut-wrenching and heartbreaking decision nonetheless. Who wants to say no to a baby who could potentially be your child? It was so tough to say no, because there were a lot of things about the situation that were appealing to us, and if money weren't an issue I would probably be posting right now about the first time we would be shown to a birth mother. But, money is a HUGE issue in adoption and we just didn't feel comfortable with it.
So, we said no. We cried a few tears over what might have been. And now what? Nothing really. We just try to keep moving forward and find the child that was meant for our family.
In the midst of all of this chaos I paused and said a quick prayer. I prayed for wisdom to do what was right and to choose the path that God intends for me. I was filled with peace then and heard a small voice in my head saying "This is not the child for you." That's not really the answer I wanted, or the answer I would have made for myself, but it gave me a little peace with the decision, which is what I needed.
All of the research and reading about adoption that I have done could never have prepared me for this. This is HARD. Much harder then having a biological child, at least it seems that way right now.
After feeling so torn over this, I wonder how I will deal when we are shown to a birth mother and then she chooses a different family?