Friday, April 2, 2010

A change in perspective

Today has been a day of reflection.   This occurred for several reasons.  I had the day off from work today for Good Friday  so my brain had time to slow down.  Kera had a second set of tubes placed, so there was a lot of cuddling on the sofa this afternoon,  which I completely and thoroughly enjoyed.  I also spent a lot of time working on the profile books, which lends plenty of time while cutting, gluing, etc. for my mind to wander.

Reading back to the first posts in the blog, it all seems so superficial and shallow.  I don't know who I'm writing to,  but it seems like I'm writing to some audience that I do not want to let in or offend.   I'm going to try to change that.  My goal is to honestly reflect  how I'm feeling through this adoption process, and life in general being a busy working mom.    Part of the reason I haven't gotten this to come across in my blog so far is just a simple lack of time; by the time I get home from work, get the kids fed, bathed, homework done, and put to bed, then prepare everything for the next day I'm just completely....exhausted.

I don't have time to breathe, let alone manage a blog post.  But I need something.  Anything to not feel so  alone right now.  I have such a mixed bag of emotions lately regarding the adoption, work, Eric's work, the's just so much.  And I feel like no one understands,  because a lot of people just can't understand why we're adopting a baby.  It's like just because we already have  2 biological children it should be good enough. "They", whoever "they" are, are probably right.  I feel so selfish.  I am incredibly blessed in my life.  Kaylee is a wonderful brilliant child and Kera's birth is nothing short  of a miracle.  Believe me, I have tried for the last 4 years to pretend that it's enough.  But I still  feel compelled to adopt.  I can't really explain why; it's God's still  voice in my heart.  For some reason that I don't fully understand, this is the path that we're supposed to be on right now.  Eric and I have talked and prayed about this a lot, and he feels the same way. 

Since I am being perfectly honest tonight,  let me just say this:  Eric's working 2 jobs sucks.  It's hard.  He goes days without seeing the girls, he's exhausted, I'm exhausted and we STILL don't have enough money to move forward yet.  Granted it's only been a few weeks and the pay hasn't fully started coming in from the second job, but that thought is of little comfort to me tonight.  I just feel spread so thin right now.  I'm working 45-50 hours a week, taking care of the girls, taking care of the house, trying to work on the profile books, and I need to  get  ready for our garage sale.  

We are literally doing the very best we can, we're working as hard  as physically possible and it is hard.   If our home study report was completed today we still wouldn't have enough money to pay the activation fee.  Not to mention the attorney fees, birth mother expenses, agency fees, etc. etc. etc.

At the same time, I worry that it's unfair to  Kaylee and Kera.  We can't get them a swing set for another year  or more and we can't take a vacation to Disney World because all of our efforts and our finances  are being dedicated to  this adoption.   I know that  those are just material things are they're not important in the grand scheme, but that doesn't make me second  guess myself any less.

On that positive note, I'm  going to call it a night.   It's been a long, emotional  day and my brain needs to shut down for a while.

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